Some Insecurities

I will not be using my son's name in posts because this is a public blog for anyone who is interested in our story. He will be referred to as "B".

Prior to our approval for adoption, Kit and I had to complete some training. Because we were open to a transracial adoption we had a few trainings on how to deal with social situations. So far, we haven't had anything major happen, but there have been a few situations that have caused me to have some insecurities.

1. Because we won't finalize until B is 6 months old, his legal last name is different than ours. This doesn't really affect our lives in any way except when I go places where I have to use his legal name, like the Doctor. When B was two weeks old I had to take him in to get a little procedure and some blood work. I had to check him in at both places and give both my name and his name. The first person who checked us in gave me a little look like she was trying to figure out the situation because I was wearing a wedding ring, so why wouldn't we have the same name? I didn't explain to her that he was adopted. I just let her continue to wonder. She didn't look like she had enough to do anyway. After the procedure was done we went to the lab for blood work. When the tech pulled up the order from the Doctor I wanted to be sure that she knew that if he did have any of the things he was being tested for, he didn't get them from me, so I told her that we were adopting him. She said not to worry and that she figured that was what was going on because these were common tests on adopted babies.

2. We live in a small community where most people either know us or know of us and know that we adopted our little guy, so most of the time I don't have to worry about getting weird looks or what people are thinking. However, we have had some experiences while out to dinner and on vacation where people have just stared at us. B is super cute and draws attention wherever we go. I usually just beam like the proud momma I am. I know that if B's skin was darker, people would look at us and their first thought would be that he was adopted, but because he has lighter skin, he looks like he could be either my biological child or Kit's, but not ours together. I have thought on several different occasions that people probably think that I had an affair and my husband is such a great guy for sticking with me, even though I had someone else's child. The other thing I think people probably think is that I had him before Kit and I got together. I hadn't told Kit that I had had any of these thoughts until the other night when we were out at dinner, but when I told him he said he had thought the same thing. Just to clarify, I do not wish to change anything about my son, not the fact that he is adopted and certainly not the color of his skin. I do, however hope that he doesn't have to feel any of these insecurities as he gets older. I know that he will because people are ignorant and can be rude. I just hope I can teach him to handle these situations with dignity.

Another View

Just before Christmas we got news of another situation. This one was a lot more relaxed because the baby, a girl, was not due for a few more months. The birth mother had some very definite requests, though. Some we fit perfectly, some we fell a little short on. We decided to take the chance on it. Kit felt like it would be the one. I didn't. I had also just been thinking that we would get a boy. I've always thought (wanted) I would have a boy first and we have been told from a lot of different sources that not as many girls are placed for adoption as boys. I also felt like she might pick us, but that she would probably change her mind before the placement ever occurred.
We gave the agency approval to show our profile and waited......and waited. It was about two weeks before we got the news. I tried not to think about it because every time I did I felt like I was trying to talk myself in to feeling right about the situation. Then I would feel guilty for not just being grateful that our profile was being shown. By the time we got the phone call that she had chose someone else, I was just relieved. I called Kit to tell him and I could tell that he was disappointed. He still thinks we will have a girl. Maybe we will get twins and both of our ideas will be fulfilled. What do you think we will have?

Rejection

Rejection
So we became active on November 21st. December 7th I got a Facebook message from the friend who set Kit and I up. She has a friend who is very involved in adoption who had posted some information on Facebook about a situation. I emailed her and she sent me the info on the child. It was through a different agency than we were going through and we would have needed to do a few more things before we could become active with them, so we decided not to look any further in to that.

About a week later we received an email from our agency asking if we would like to have our profile shown. We needed to respond immediately because the baby was already born and they needed to place immediately. I called Kit and told him. We decided to have them show our profile and then waited to hear. I have never felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time. We felt rushed to be prepared and didn't know if we should tell anyone or not because of how fast word spread before. We really didn't want to have to go through the pain of telling people that we weren't chosen. It didn't take too long for us to realize that there were certain people we needed to tell out of necessity: our bosses, my parents, and my cousin (because she had clothing we wouldn't have time to get if we were chosen). Once I called my cousin I knew my sisters would be mad if they found out she knew before them, so I also made those phone calls. I also had to tell some of the people that I supervise because I might be there one day, and then be gone the next.
We tried to go about our life as usual, but these were not usual circumstances. I was trying not to think that we were going to be chosen, but then the next thought would be that I needed to be prepared. I also realized that this could be the only chance I had to feel some of the excitement of pregnancy, but then I would think that maybe this really was just some adoption scam. It was such a whirlwind.
It is so hard knowing that a really important decision is being made that could totally change your life, and you have absolutely no control or input. We didn't hear anything for over a day, which in this situation can seem like a week, especially when concerned friends and family keep checking to see if we had heard anything. I tried calling the person who emailed me about the situation. I tried calling our caseworker. I got no information. I was constantly checking my phone and email to make sure I hadn't received any new messages (I am still a little obsessive about this since this now and probably will be until we have that sweet newborn in our arms). Finally I sent an email to the worker who was working on the case. She gave me an update, but a decision had not yet been made. Finally, Thursday afternoon we got an answer. It was a "no" for us. We were heartbroken. I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't say for sure, but I imagine that the two situations are some where in the same vicinity when it comes to heartbreak. I kept asking why and what I could have done differently. I even had the thought that maybe they accidentally sent that to me and they would be calling soon to say, "Just kidding, come get your baby", but they didn't. He wasn't meant for us.
I think that all of my insecurities came out at that point. Insecurities I never thought I would have, like "I'm too white" or "our house is too nice" and insecurities that are always in the back of my mind, like "my nose is too big", "I have acne like a 14 year old", and "I am overweight".
I was sitting at my desk when I got the email. I think I sat there frozen for about ten minutes. I knew I had to keep control of my emotions because I was at work. I called Kit. He was also at work, so couldn't really talk. I called my mom to let her know and tried to keep the emotion out of my voice. She was obviously disappointed. She said later that she couldn't imagine how I had felt during those days because she was so stressed and knew that what I was going through had to be worse. We had so many blessings during this time, but the biggest blessing for me was the comfort we received from the Holy Ghost and the knowledge that we had that it was all in God's hands and he would make sure we got the right baby.

How We Came To Adoption

About 6 months in to our marriage we had a pregnancy scare. It turned out to be nothing, but because of it, we decided to stop trying to prevent a pregnancy. So now we have been married for four and a half years and no kids yet. We started talking about adoption about two years ago. We had been to a few doctors appointments trying to figure out what the problem was. We decided to keep trying and see what happened. We felt like adoption would be really difficult and we just weren't sure we could do it. There were times when I felt like I was ready to go down the pat of adoption, but Kit wasn't ready. Then there were times when Kit was ready and I wasn't. Another year later we had more doctors appointments and more frustrations. We had been talking to a few people about adoption and other people's experiences. We had a friend at church whose brother had adopted and had a wonderful experience. On Father's Day we ended up in the hall with him for about an hour talking about it. When we left church that day we talked about it and both felt like maybe we should start the process. We decided that we could spend lots of time and money on fertility treatments and be no further than we were that day, or we could start on the adoption process and once we have a child we could continue with fertility treatments. We decided we didn't want to wait any longer to start our family. As soon ad we made our decision it was like huge wait off of our shoulders. I don't think I stopped smiling for two days.

We talked about how and when to tell our families. We didn't want everyone to know, but we did want our parents and siblings. I told my mom on Father's Day, the day we decided. I told her that we didn't want everyone to know yet, especially because we knew it would be a few days before we could tell Kit's family. By the end of the week, my entire extended family knew. Apparently my mom is not very good at keeping secrets. Kit's mom had the best reaction. We were in her backyard with her and her husband. Kit told her and she started jumping up and down and squealing. It was really nice to know we had support from our families. Not everyone was as excited, but we have amazing support from the majority of our families and we know that everyone will be more supportive once the baby is actually here.

We started filling out our paperwork as soon as we decided. Anyone who has ever done an adoption or home study knows that there is a lot of paperwork. We ended up doing more than we needed to because we ended up having the agency do the home study instead of the person we originally planned on. So, we started our paperwork on Father's Day, and finally on November 21st we became active with our agency. Now we are just waiting for the right baby to come along. We have put it in God's hands and know that it will happen according to His plan. Oh, and as you can probably guess, no one that we told about the adoption is very good at keeping things on the down low, so everyone we know knew about the adoption before we even became active.

A Little Intro

Him: Middle of three boys, grew up playing baseball and basketball. Loves motocross, hunting, golfing, camping, and riding ATVs. Works as an electrician.

Her: Youngest of four girls. In high school was a cheerleader, on drill team, played softball and volleyball. Loves spending time with family, traveling, church, camping, and riding ATVs. Is a social worker.

How we met: We grew up in small towns an hour apart. We knew a lot of the same people and there is a by good chance that our paths crossed several times throughout our lives. In January 2008 I was just starting my final semester of college two and a half hours from home. Kit was starting his second semester of his electrical program at home. My older sister's friend had just set her up with the man who would become her husband. She told my sister that she had someone who would be perfect for me. I gave her the okay to give him my phone number. Instead of calling me, he looked me up on MySpace. MySpace was still kind of an acceptable social media website. He added me and I accepted him. We chatted a few times online, but I wasn't super interested because his pictures were from several years earlier and he didn't really look like someone I would date. I decided to just give him a chance so that the person who set us up didn't think I was rude. We made a plan to go out one Saturday. I was home for the weekend and he had went to the city I was going to school in on Friday to visit some friends, but he was supposed to be home Saturday. He sent me a text Saturday afternoon letting me know that he was just getting ready to head home and would call me when he got close. I got ready and waited.... And waited. I was playing board games with my two younger brothers at around 10PM and decided to send him a text. It said, "So, I guess you're not coming". I didn't receive a response. The next day, whenI got home from church I had a text from him. He apologized and said that he ended up not coming home and had tried to text me. I told him that I never received it. I was pretty upset because he hadn't just called to tell me that he wasn't coming. He asked if he could stop and meet me on his way home. I told him no. I assumed that the reason he didn't come home was because of another girl.... I was right. He kept trying for the next couple of days to get me to give him another chance. I went home again that Thursday and we made plans to meet up. I agreed to meet him at Arby's because I thought if I didn't like him I could leave pretty soon. When I pulled in I noticed that he had a nice truck. When he got out of the truck, I thought he was much cuter than his pictures. He ate and I watched him. I ate before I went because I did not have very much faith that this was going to go any where. We ended up talking a lot, with no awkward silences. We decided to go see a movie. We went to August Rush. We pretty much talked through the whole movie. The next morning I told my mom and sister that I really liked him.

You might be wondering what his side of the story was about the night he stood me up. Well, he had went to the city to visit a friend who had set him up on a date. The girl he was supposed to go out with had to cancel, so his friend found someone else for him to go out with. They went out and apparently had a pretty good time. The next day, the day that we were supposed to meet, he went to visit another friend and then planned to head home. This is when he texted me and said he was leaving and would call me when he got close. Then he got a call from his friend, who begged him to stay another night. The girl he had went out with the night before really wanted to go out with him again. He decided to stay and says that he sent me a text saying that he wasn't coming. When I sent the text to him asking if he was coming he looked at his phone and realized that the text said it didn't go through. He showed his friend and tried to resend it. It still didn't work. The next day the girl that he had went out with expressed some pretty deep feelings for him that really freaked him out. When he got home he had an email from a guy he didn't know. It turned out to be the girl's boyfriend. He was threatening to beat Kit up. Kit explained that he didn't know she had a boyfriend and that he was not interested.  Serves him right for ditching me, huh?
You are probably also wondering where my two "brothers" came from. Several years ago my aunt and uncle died, so my parents took guardianship of my three cousins, two boys and a girl.

The rest of the story of us... We got really serious really fast. We met in January, got engaged in March, and married in June.

We lived in a cute little apartment for the first 10 months of our marriage. We then bought our house and a dog. We love our dog. Her name is Koda.

Jenny has worked as a social worker for the State since just before our wedding. Kit recently finished his schooling and apprenticeship to become a Journeyman Electrician.