Rejection

Rejection
So we became active on November 21st. December 7th I got a Facebook message from the friend who set Kit and I up. She has a friend who is very involved in adoption who had posted some information on Facebook about a situation. I emailed her and she sent me the info on the child. It was through a different agency than we were going through and we would have needed to do a few more things before we could become active with them, so we decided not to look any further in to that.

About a week later we received an email from our agency asking if we would like to have our profile shown. We needed to respond immediately because the baby was already born and they needed to place immediately. I called Kit and told him. We decided to have them show our profile and then waited to hear. I have never felt so many emotions in such a short amount of time. We felt rushed to be prepared and didn't know if we should tell anyone or not because of how fast word spread before. We really didn't want to have to go through the pain of telling people that we weren't chosen. It didn't take too long for us to realize that there were certain people we needed to tell out of necessity: our bosses, my parents, and my cousin (because she had clothing we wouldn't have time to get if we were chosen). Once I called my cousin I knew my sisters would be mad if they found out she knew before them, so I also made those phone calls. I also had to tell some of the people that I supervise because I might be there one day, and then be gone the next.
We tried to go about our life as usual, but these were not usual circumstances. I was trying not to think that we were going to be chosen, but then the next thought would be that I needed to be prepared. I also realized that this could be the only chance I had to feel some of the excitement of pregnancy, but then I would think that maybe this really was just some adoption scam. It was such a whirlwind.
It is so hard knowing that a really important decision is being made that could totally change your life, and you have absolutely no control or input. We didn't hear anything for over a day, which in this situation can seem like a week, especially when concerned friends and family keep checking to see if we had heard anything. I tried calling the person who emailed me about the situation. I tried calling our caseworker. I got no information. I was constantly checking my phone and email to make sure I hadn't received any new messages (I am still a little obsessive about this since this now and probably will be until we have that sweet newborn in our arms). Finally I sent an email to the worker who was working on the case. She gave me an update, but a decision had not yet been made. Finally, Thursday afternoon we got an answer. It was a "no" for us. We were heartbroken. I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't say for sure, but I imagine that the two situations are some where in the same vicinity when it comes to heartbreak. I kept asking why and what I could have done differently. I even had the thought that maybe they accidentally sent that to me and they would be calling soon to say, "Just kidding, come get your baby", but they didn't. He wasn't meant for us.
I think that all of my insecurities came out at that point. Insecurities I never thought I would have, like "I'm too white" or "our house is too nice" and insecurities that are always in the back of my mind, like "my nose is too big", "I have acne like a 14 year old", and "I am overweight".
I was sitting at my desk when I got the email. I think I sat there frozen for about ten minutes. I knew I had to keep control of my emotions because I was at work. I called Kit. He was also at work, so couldn't really talk. I called my mom to let her know and tried to keep the emotion out of my voice. She was obviously disappointed. She said later that she couldn't imagine how I had felt during those days because she was so stressed and knew that what I was going through had to be worse. We had so many blessings during this time, but the biggest blessing for me was the comfort we received from the Holy Ghost and the knowledge that we had that it was all in God's hands and he would make sure we got the right baby.